If you go down to the woods today…

Most of the time the stuff we write in The Archer gets so little response from the local populace that I start to wonder if anything will drag the readers from their mogadon induced slumber. And then we do it. We get angry letters from "irate of Summerlee Avenue" and that, as you know, is just about the nearest thing to a riot amongst the complaining classes.

All we did was write about that shack in the middle of the woods and next thing we knew the "not in my back yard, my wife and I are trying to get some sleep" brigade are getting all excited and accusing us of bias.

I reckon that they’ve got it all wrong. The choice is not between leaving it to rot or opening some version of Choraks, the real choice is between being part of the Millennium Experience or being just another stop on the Northern Line.

So, what do we do with the "pavilion"?

Here are a few suggestions for making a good and proper use of the place and adding to the amenities so that we can all enjoy them.

1) Why does East Finchley miss out on Cool Britannia? To get involved what we need to do is use the pavilion properly. In winter it could hold small, but noisy rock nights so that our local bands can get out there and kick some butt until three in the morning. In summer it could be the main DJ booth for all night raves. Just think of all the people it would bring into the area.

Smoking room

2) An "Amsterdam" style cafe selling only the finest hashish twenty-four hours a day. No longer would our kids have to hang around outside the school gates in the hope that the dealer turns up, they could just nip down to Dealer McDope’s and score some seriously good skunk.

3) What about wildlife? Somewhere up north they’ve just made a pigeon loft a listed building, so why don’t we get started by turning the pavilion into a pigeon sanctuary. It would keep the little bastards off the High Road.

4) Why not solve the car parking problems by adding an expanse of concrete and using the pavilion as the control booth?

5) After the way that the moral elephants objected to McDonalds's opening a restaurant as it might lower the tone of the area, the best way to keep everyone happy would be to use the pavilion for a drive thru’ 24 hour burger bar.

Down on the range

6) East Finchley’s very own mini-Dome, a kind of cut price, council sponsored two year building site and then a non-stop funfair for North London to really bring in the tourists.

And now for two that might appeal to the protesters...

1) What about a seriously expensive wine bar for all those of you who don’t like mixing with those who can’t afford a Volvo estate?

2) Make Cherry Tree Woods a residents’ only park with electrified fences to keep out the riffraff, restrict the amount of people traffic and create a middle class arcadia just off the Great North Road. I’m sure that the moral elephants and petitioners under the "My Wife and I are Trying To Get Some Sleep" Act (1996) would love that.

Me? I fancy an Amsterdam style cafe with added loud rock’n’roll and all night summer raves. At least it would give me something to do after the pubs shut.

Editor’s notes: Now seriously, folks – In the interest of his own safety, I’m advising Ricky not to show himself in East Finchley for at least a month after this article! Just look at the uproar caused by our three-line caption in March…