By David Tupman  

(with apologies to The Guardian)

No. 230: The Archer

Age: Six years going on seven, but very advanced for its age.

Appearance: Very black and white, and very chic (for a bunch of amateurs).

Who owns it then? Well no one actually. It's written, produced and distributed by East Finchley people who don't get paid a bean.

You mean they do it for free? Well yes. There are no fees, no rewards, no free lunches and certainly no perks.

What, no slap up lunches at Casa Pepe - the El Vinos of N2? You've got it in one. It's just a labour of love. What do you think this is, the News of the World?

So what exactly is The Archer about then? Well the paper is about East Finchley, the locality, the people, their lives and experiences. Above all we are living proof, through our typographical errors, that Mr Major's back-to-basics campaign was a flop.

Well the paper is about East Finchley, the locality, the people, their lives and experiences. Above all we are living proof, through our typographical errors, that Mr Major's back-to-basics campaign was a flop.

You mean The Archer is full of a bunch of selfless saints in a harsh world? You're spot on.

So how does it keep going? Very simple - the talent, enthusiasm and commitment of the volunteers is free; the advertisers and our Friends help pay the running costs - mainly the printer's bill.

So, there's money in it after all? Yes I can hear Rupert Murdoch's helicopter hovering over Budgens as we speak.

Irony is well and living in N2 then? Quite so.

What's your message to the people of East Finchley? As Lord Kitchener might have put it, "Your local community paper needs you?"

Not to be confused with: A publication from Muswell Hill masquerading as a community newspaper.

Least likely to say: You can relax now; all the copy is in on time and we're printing next Saturday.

Most likely to say: Everything's on the computer so don't worry chaps; the invoices have gone out. We're in the black. Get out the bubbly.